


And I'll Form the Head

by Voltodd_Rundgtron



Category: Voltron Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate title: Voltron Takes a Licking and Keeps on Dicking, And Allura doesn't give a fuck about you, Blurry if you squint, Gen, I gave Hunk all the best lines, Lance is a big ol virgin, Not as porny as it sounds, Sexual Frustration, get ready, girl!Pidge, puns, seriously, so many puns, woot woot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-28
Updated: 2016-12-28
Packaged: 2018-09-12 21:22:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9091264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Voltodd_Rundgtron/pseuds/Voltodd_Rundgtron
Summary: "Y'know, when you said something these guys had never seen before, I kind of thought you meant friendship."When a Galra battle takes a turn for the absolute worst, Shiro has to do some quick thinking to save the day. Only one problem: he's using the wrong head.





	

To say the fight was going badly for the paladins would have been an understatement. To say it was going pretty fucking terribly would have been right on the nose. The team had never faced off against this enormous army of Galra robots before, but the 'bots had returned every punch, countered every bayard, and even dodged Lance's power-kick as the team fell flat onto their collective ass.

"How are they doing this?" Hunk cried over the sickening crunch of the robot punch Voltron was currently taking to the face. "It feels like they're reading our minds!"

"I think you might be right, Hunk!" Pidge yelled back. 

"What?!" Lance shouted indignantly over a hailstorm of laser-guided robo-bullets. "Fighting giant robots was bad enough, but now they can hear our thoughts?" 

"I don't think you have too much to worry about on the 'thoughts' front, Lance," Keith stage-muttered.

"Hey!"

"Calm down, team," said Shiro. "I don't think that's exactly what Pidge means."

"Thank you, Shiro. What I'm _trying_ to say is that the Galra have engineered a super-advanced robot army programmed with the ability to predict and counter all of our attacks based on knowledge they gathered during previous battles."

"And what you're not saying is that we're all gonna die."

"Hunk, I don't know what this team would do without your unfailing optimism."

"We're not going to die," said Shiro over the increasing hum of shoulder-mounted ion cannons preparing to prove him wrong. "I have an idea. But I need you all to trust me."

"We trust you," Keith said firmly.

"So do I!" shouted Lance.

"Wait!" cried Pidge, frantically blocking lasers with her shield. "What exactly are you going to do?"

"Something these guys have never seen before." Shiro blocked out the sounds of the battle around him as he summoned his bayard portal. He gave a quick glance to his mechanical arm, already pulsing slightly as if with nervousness. He swallowed his own fears and pulled it back, taking aim. This might not work...but for the sake of the team, he had to try.

"Hey, Shiro!" yelled Hunk. "Not to be rude, but did the thing you're trying not work? Or did it like, mess up really bad and the afterlife's not as good as advertised."

The arm met the portal with a magnificent clash of black and purple light. Shiro gritted his teeth to keep from crying out in pain as bolts of electricity arced up his bicep. The Altean tech seemed to be engaged in a battle against that of the Galra, but slowly, and perhaps troublingly, Shiro's mechanical arm slid in. Shiro was almost overwhelmed by the sudden, heady rush of power. He held his clenched fist aloft, as if daring the robots to attack.

The battlefield went still. The robots froze in their tracks, and even the paladins were uncharacteristically silent. Slowly, every head turned to stare at Voltron's brand new bayard. Lance was the first to speak.

"Since _you_ guys have apparently turned into giant prudes all of a sudden, I'm gonna say it." He took a deep breath. "VOLTRON HAS A GIANT BONER!"

"It's an arm!" Shiro was slightly muffled by the dashboard in his face. "It's sticking out of his crotch, but it's an arm!"

"Sorry Shiro, but that's definitely a dick." Pidge adjusted her glasses. "A giant, glowing, uncircumcised robot dick."

"Y'know, when you said something these guys had never seen before, I kind of thought you meant friendship," added Hunk.

"Guys, shut up!" Keith cried in frustration. "Have any of you even _noticed_ what's happened to the robots?"

"No, I've been to busy staring at Voltron's giant --"

"It's not a boner!"

"Just _look_!" Keith gesticulated violently with Voltron's arm. The team followed his hand to the silent army of robots, motionless except for the frantic whirring and smoking of their mechanical brains. "These guys have no idea how to attack us. We finally have the advantage, are we gonna waste it arguing?"

"Realistically, yes!"

"Keith's right, team," Shiro said with all the authority he could muster. "We've got the upper hand --"

"--job."

"-- over the Galra. Let's go beat them off." He paused. "Quit laughing, Lance, you know what I meant. Let's go!" Voltron charged onto the battlefield, brandishing its new endowment like a sword. The team cheered as Shiro's very first punch hit the mark, knocking down an entire line of robots like dominoes.

"Guys, we've figured them out!" yelled Pidge. "They have no idea how to predict our moves!"

"Ha! Take that, robots," Lance whooped as two more rapid-fire punches sent robots flying. "It might _look_ like we're happy to see you, but this actually _is_ a gun!"

"How is this in any way a gun, jackass?" Keith returned.

"Wait a minute Lance, I think you might be onto something," said Shiro excitedly. "In fact, according to my lion, I should be able to add a laser attachment."

"Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no," interrupted Hunk. "Fighting robots with a giant dong? Sure, my day's been weirder. But spooging all over said robots? I did _not_ sign up for this!"

"Too late!" shouted Pidge as a burst of light vaporized a column of robots.

"You know what, I'm not even surprised it's a white laser," groaned Hunk in resignation.

"What's next, robot truck nuts?" With a whirring sound, a huge pair of ion cannons descended from Voltron's crotch. Keith slammed his head on the dashboard. "I was joking!" 

"What are you guys upset about? This is freakin' awesome!" Lance whooped as beams from the gently dangling cannons cut a robot clean in half. 

"Actually Lance, this is tactically un-awesome," said Pidge. "We were all right before, but Voltron's undercarriage is starting to throw us off balaaAAAAA!" The entire team bit their tongues in unison as Voltron toppled to the ground and took off rolling like a sweaty mountaineer orgy gone wrong.

"Oh, god," groaned Hunk, "can't I die doing something less embarrassing, like autoerotic asphyxiation?"

"Stay calm, Hunk!" choked Shiro through his bleeding mouth. "If we can't shoot them, then we'll just have to knock them down. Everybody, lean left!"

"Yeah!" Voltron barrel-rolled through row after row of robot legs, sending metal shards flying left, right, front, and center.

"Holy shit," opined Keith as Voltron's flailing limbs blasted a robot to smithereens, "this is the dumbest fucking thing I've ever done _and it's actually working_."

"Hell yeah!" Lance whooped. "Let's do the chant! When I say Vol, you say--"

"Hold that thought, Lance," interjected Pidge. "Here's the final boss!" One enormous robot stood alone on the battlefield, surrounded by the carnage of its fallen teammates.

"He looks angry," said Hunk. "Anybody else think he looks really, really angry?"

"Stop projecting your insecurities on the robot, Hunk," said Pidge.

"Yeah! We gotta go kick its ass!"

"If anything, I'm projecting a healthy amount of fear!"

"We don't have time for this," Keith said impatiently.

"Yeah! We gotta show this robot what Team Voltron is made of!"

"Breakable bones! Bruisable skin!"

"All right, team," interrupted Shiro. "I understand you're all nervous, but it's time to quit dicking around. We've taken a beating, but we have to keep on coming. The Garla think we're screwed, but we can still penetrate their defenses. I know they're hard to beat, but we aren't so soft either. They've been at this longer than we have, but nobody can fight harder than us. Because we have something they don't. We have spunk. We have balls. And most of all, we're a team, and I know I can always count on you guys for a hand to get the job done." 

"Wow, Shiro," said Pidge over Lance's wheezing, "I'm not sure if you did that on purpose or not, but I have to admit I'm impressed, inspired, and more than a little disgusted."

"Good enough for me," replied Keith. "Let's get this party started." With a creaking of metal and a flopping of genitalia, Voltron rose from the ground. It stood facing the last robot on the center of the battlefield like a slightly more phallic Washington Monument, if such a thing was possible. At Shiro's unspoken cue, the team charged.

The massive robot turned desperately from side to side. It was frantically calculating, using every bit of information the Galra had uploaded, but nothing in its memory banks accounted for the massive erection rocketing toward it. The robot finally sank to its knees and let out a desperate, synthesized groan. With a crash, Shiro's outstretched arm went straight through its open mouth and out the back of its head.

"Damn," said Lance in the sudden quiet. "Do you think that counts as third base?"

"I think it would be strikeout, Lance," replied Hunk, but he was grinning with relief.

"Hey guys?" Keith asked suddenly. "Does anybody else feel kind of...funny?"

"Funny how?" asked Pidge, narrowing her eyes.

"A little dizzy."

"Oh, thank god."

"What?"

...

Shiro was silent and brooding as they returned to the castle. He stood slightly apart from the group, rubbing the aching join between the metal and flesh of his arm. The rest of the paladins were upbeat from their victory, and bounced like coked-up puppies despite the dressing-down they were currently receiving from Allura.

"There was absolutely no reason for the radios to malfunction." She gestured to some glowing schematics to prove her point, although they were all in Altean. "The chips have a much longer range than that, right Coran?"

"They certainly do, Princess," said Coran proudly. "I just checked them myself."

"I know that," said Pidge impatiently. "That's why I think that the Galra robots were blocking the signal."

"Yeah, that or Lance leaned on the switch again."

"That was one time, Keith! And it was your fault!"

"Then why didn't you turn it back on after you defeated the robots?" interrupted Allura.

"Well..." Hunk said slightly uncomfortably, "we thought you might not want to see, uh, the way we defeated them."

"Why? Was it gruesome?"

"You didn't eat them, did you?" Coran gashed his teeth in demonstration. "It's no problem if you did, in fact on Altea--"

"Shiro stuck his Galra arm through the bayard portal and it looked like Voltron had an erection, alright?" said Pidge. "It was weird and I don't want to talk about it."

"I'm sorry," said Allura, tilting her head slightly to the side, "but what's an erection?" Coran made a sound like a bird hitting a window and busied himself with the control panel.

"I'll tell you what an erection is, Princess." Lance sidled up to Allura with the fluid grace of a reanimated corpse. "Or do you want me to...show you?" Hunk smacked the back of Lance's head.

"Cut it out or I'm gonna make you clean the food goo tube again."

"Why don't you all clean _my_ \--"

"Come on, Lance," interrupted Keith mockingly. "Why don't you tell the Princess about the birds and the bees? Unless you don't know how it works."

"I do so know how it works!"

"Yeah, right. When a virgin and a crusty sock love each other very much..."

"Shut up, Keith. Anyway Princess, uh, you know what a, a penis is, right?" Allura nodded, her eyes wide. "Okay, well, uh, most of the time it's kinda floppy, like a garden hose--"

"No hoses on Altea," interjected Pidge.

"Whatever, it's just floppy then. Like a big ol' floppy...thing. And sometimes, uh, when a man gets really horny and wants to make a baby, or other times, like when he's reading a eulogy at his great-aunt's fucking funeral--"

"Come on, Lance," said Hunk soothingly, "I told you everybody was too busy grieving to notice."

"--it gets really hard and stiff like the stick Keith has up his ass." Keith rolled his eyes. "And, uh, that's what an erection is. And the man takes his erection and semen comes out of it, which is like gloopy instructions for babies, and then he puts his semen on the woman's vagina and her vagina sucks it up and it goes in her stomach and mixes with her eggs and it makes a baby and the baby crawls out."

"Oh, my," said Coran. "Sexual reproduction is certainly very different on Earth." Keith was rolling on the floor in hysterics.

"Now that I think about it, we never learned about sex at the Garrison. Just space," mused Pidge. Hunk was patting Lance's slumped shoulder.

"Lance, buddy, it's okay if you don't understand sex yet--"

"I totally, pretty much do. Mostly."

"--but you can't just lie to the Princess. How's she going to learn how it works?"

"Oh, I was only quiznacking with you. I already know. Honestly, do you think I'm that naïve? Close your mouth, Lance, before bugs get in. Or should I say a garden hose?" Coran's eyes were popping out of his head.

"You paladins have corrupted the Princess! How dare you? I'll show you what we do to Princess-corrupters on Altea! Say goodbye to your precious testi--"

"Coran," interrupted Shiro, suddenly and grimly, "can I ask you a question about Voltron?"

"Certainly, my dear boy." Shiro glanced at Coran and looked away, unable to meet either his or the Paladins' concerned eyes.

"When I connected my Galra arm to the portal...could I have harmed Voltron somehow? Could the Galra have gained any control over Voltron?" Coran shook his head.

"Voltron cannot be corrupted by outside forces." He sighed deeply. Allura calmly examined her fingernails. "Oh, if only that were true of all things. But alas, innocence is like a flower in the--"

"So the black bayard always comes out of the crotch," said Shiro skeptically.

"Oh, no," said Coran. "The placement of the bayards is determined completely by the desires of the paladins." There was a loud chorus of awkward coughing.

"Jeez, dude," said Lance. "Can't you get like a space Hustler or something?"

"But this doesn't make any sense," said Pidge, confused. "Why would Shiro desire--"

"Doesn't make any sense?" interjected Shiro. "Pidge, I've been in this castle with nobody but you guys for months now. Before that, I was a Galra prisoner. And before _that_ I was on the Kerberos mission. Do you know how long it's been since I've gotten laid?" He turned on his heel and walked quickly away. "I'm going to the showers. If anybody bothers me, they're getting the robot treatment." He stopped suddenly and turned back around. "By the way guys, great job today." He smiled. "I'm proud of all of you, and I'm especially proud of how you worked together as a team."

"Look, Shiro, I appreciate your saying that, but you're wearing stretch pants. Can you please just go before this gets weirder?" Shiro gave Hunk a red-faced salute and hurried on. Everyone else stood still, shuffling in uncomfortable silence.

"Well, I think we've all learned something from this."

"What have we learned, Lance," said Keith flatly. Lance grinned.

"Shoot for the moon," he said proudly. "Even if you miss, you'll jizz among the stars."

**Epilogue**

Lance had to clean the food goo tubes again.


End file.
